Celebrity Freak Out

I adore movies. I relate to movies. My family is constantly quoting movies. Imagine my surprise when I looked in the mirror and realized that I reminded myself of a movie character. Imagine my horror when I realized that I could be type cast as the mother from "While You Were Sleeping." You know, the one who says "These mashed potatoes are so creamy." I had the soft under chin, plumpish shape and despite being the age that Sandra Bullock was in that movie I had a decidedly matronly air.

AURGHHHH! My computer is telling me that Aurghhhh is not a word. It has lived long enough in this house that it should realize that it, in fact, is an enormously useful word. So much for artificial intelligence. Anyway I don't want to look like the quirky bit-character in my own life. I want to look like the star. I want to feel like the star and I want to BE the star. No, I don't expect that I'll have Stacy Keebler legs or Jennifer Aniston hair and there is no way the universe is going to revolve around me (I live with three little beings who think the world revolves around them ... and it does.) But I know the feeling and the look I want to have.

And no, watching more blind auditions from The Voice is not going to give that to me. Time to start living.

Bethany

Perfection

Oh that can be a pernicious word.

I know I have mentioned it twice already, but it is worth saying again. In creating a lifestyle, forget right and wrong, focus on alive and less alive. Why am I so stuck on this? Because it is my lifeline right now.

I am a girl who loves absolutes. I thrive on right/wrong, worthwhile/not worthwhile, healthy/unhealthy types of dichotomies. And the world stands ready to provide me with a mountain of books and talk shows that are eager to indoctrinate me to their version of "right" dieting. And yes, there are some pretty solid guidelines to direct me (less sugar, more vegetables, more exercising), but when I define them in terms of absolutes (must, always, never, perfect etc.) I get stuck.

Example: A few weeks ago, the challenge my AR girls and I set for ourselves was to exercise every day. It did not matter how much we did. Two minutes worth of crunches would have counted. The point was to create a daily habit. Every day I thought about exercise, but because I didn't have the time or energy to do "enough" (which to me meant a minimum of 20 min.) I only exercised four times in the two weeks.

Whose standards am I trying to live up to anyway? What is this voice in my head telling me that a baby step forward is not "enough"? Why am I allowing someone else to define my version of failure and success? As it stands now, I can't win till I have the powerful inner confidence to tell that voice to take a hike.

As it says in the AR manual "... remember that perfectionism - trying to do (it) perfectly and to please others - can block you from being complete."

Note, it does not say perfectionism can block you from being effective. While it certainly does that for me, the bigger picture is that it stops me from being complete, and that slows my progress in every area of life.

I am succeeding in the battle over my addictive behaviors. Now, I need to tackle that "perfect" little voice of inner-criticism as well. The deeper I go into challenging my false ideas and unhealthy behaviors, the more I realize that the battle for slim and healthy is part of a greater war - the fight for self-mastery - the work of becoming complete.

Quotes

"My relationship with food is a love affair. It used to be a fight."

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

I don't know who said these, but they are so true.

M.I.A.

Well, where have I been? For such a short question, it has a very long answer. Never fear, I will spare you.

Let's talk about food, strength, journeys, etc. That quote I posted last time has really stuck with me, that there is no right or wrong way to do this. Some choices make us more alive or less alive, but they are our choices to make and our consequences to take. And the CRAZY thing is that they are different for each of us. Even the rigid intersection of calories and nutrition is insanely individual to each person. So, what is right for me? I am still figuring that out. And I am not going to divulge my whole philosophy even when I do, because I reserve the right to be utterly wrong and to change my mind at any given time as new information becomes available. Having a life plan with no give is like wearing jeans made out of concrete.

AR update: It works! I love this program. So much of "healthifying" my eating habits has centered on getting my head straight. I am proud to report that the panicked desperation I would sometimes feel when faced with something delicious has all but disappeared. It was a weird sensation of greed, fear, guilt and need which dampened the pleasure of eating while compelling me to eat more and more and more. Finally, I am seeing food as food. (Confession: this month I did use three strawberry/cream cheese cupcakes and two shirley temples in front of the new version of "Sabrina" to remedy one emotional crisis. And I had a crazy pregnant moment where I drank pickle juice right out of the jar. I know, that is so gross, but at the moment it was so very good.) So, I'm not perfect at it, but despite these moments I am feeling stronger and saner when it comes to food than I have in years.

Great Tip: I am enjoying dessert flavored gum. It cuts my need for sweetness and for chewing. Skip the orange creamcicle flavor. The strawberry shortcake and key lime pie are much better.